SUBSCRIBE , tr.v.  To agree to pay for and receive something over a period of time, such as, for example, The Theory That You Can Get Something For Nothing. The chief advantage, of course, in taking out a subscription to The Theory (just as with Good Hypothesiskeeping or Better Hopes and Guarded Assumptions), is that one saves a whopping 40%—or more!—off the new-stand price. Meaning that every time a new issue of The Theory, an enormously popular daily, comes out, you will not have to stand in line with the rest of the suckers on the street to finally get it; you’ll get it long before it ever hits the new-stands, the profound disappointment hitting home in such a manner as to get you right where you live—but wait—if you order within the next five minutes, we’ll lay the entire responsibility  for The Theory right at your feet—absolutely free! All you pay is a small price for flipping out and psychiatric handling. Please have your credulous card ready—and write now! [Latin subscribere, sub-, under + scribere, to write (like all good writers who ever wrote anything worthwhile) under the influence of something. With some it was the allure of fame; with others, money; with some few (you can count them on one hand) it was the divine inspiration of one or more muses; in your case, it is something even more powerfully intoxicating (see above). Many there are who would call that, if not substance, at least subscribe abuse].

The Fine Print: By subscribing to Lucifer’s Lexicon you have our assurance that you will get it on Fry-day, a full disappointment before Satireday. Never again will you have to wait in line, pay the new-stand price, only to get the jokes therein (they’re all on you) a full day after hip subscribers. (Those who get it say they’re no longer accused of being slow on the uptake.) You also have our full free-back guarantee that the wealth of information we gather on you, namely your email address, will not be passed on to another living soul but Lucifer (who hates Spam® as much as you do) who will use it solely to place the vast sum of lost souls, such as yourself, into one of two Spamegories: those who don’t subscribe, and those who damned well better. Those who subscribe to Lucifer’s Lexicon will get one large dollop of Devilled Eggs® (hold the Spam®!) nightly for Eternity. Those who don’t subscribe will get no less than two large dollops of Devilled Eggs®, plus all the Spam they don’t want to eat…for Eternal Spamnation. So you can clearly see the advantage to subscribing. Get it, and never be slow on the uptake (or don’t get it!—see if we care—and never be slow on the upchuck) again. 

As a paid subscriber, you may unsubscribe any time, equally as free, with the assurance that you will immediately, if not sooner, be placed in the second of the two Spamegories: a day late and a dollop more. And, take our word for it, as gory as it is, you don’t want that.