Jackass

 

 

God bethought Himself one leisurely day

   To make Him a singular creature:

An exceptional beast in every way;

   Yea, eccentric  in every feature.

But the last thing I need on this troubled Earth

   Is another name-calling fracas;

Yea, its very name must embody mirth

   —Lo, behold! I shall call it a jackass.…

 

Now, the parts of this ass I must carefully choose

    Spake God with godlike erudition,

So that gullible voters do not confuse

   This ass for a politician.

So the first thing I’ll give it is two long ears,

   Then two tears (one for each ‘I’) that glisten

(Since the ‘Jack’ ass has never been known to shed one,

   Nor once been known to listen).

Then I’ll give mine ass such a beastly tail

   —Yea, but one on mine ass shall dwell,

For a politician, without fail,

   Hath no single tale to tell.

Lo, a loud heehaw shall I give to mine ass,

   And its brayin’s shall be purely bred;

For the politcian, it comes to pass 

   Hath no single brayin’ in his head.

And he standeth weak on legs but two

   —To mine ass I shall give two more,

That the forward two might stand firm and true

   Whilst the hind give the ‘Jack’ ass what for.

Yea, mine ass shall plant, in the midst of his rants,

   A deep and permanent  furrow;

Yea, cleave, with one kick, this ass in his pants,

   Leaving two occupants in his borough!

Yea, two is but half of four, verily,

   When mine four-legged ass hath passed

Into the world, yea, merrily,

   He with two shall be but half-assed.

A butt on the right, a butt on the left

   Like unto the egg with two yolks;

So might each butt—yea, each side of the cleft

   Be the butt of all earthly jokes.…

 

 

Six days, six nights God labored amight

   And created His ass as He would;

Then rested and spake, Lo, let there be light!

   And He saw that His ass was good.

Yea, His ass was perfect in every respect

   (He saw naught of His ass to rescind;

For would not to rescind one single defect

   Be admitting He—God—had sinned

In creating the jackass (no minor sin)

   —And original sin at that.

Could it be my omnipotent skin is as thin

   As that of the ass I begat?

A humbling thought for a lower-case god,

   Much less one with a capital ‘G’;

How can I expect Man to be over-awed

   By such ungodly vanity?

 

Yet with lingering fondness God gazed on His ass

   (It had taken Him most of a week),

And so proud was He of this beastly mass

   That He swelled up and bid His ass speak.

Then out spake the ass with a loud Heehaw!

   And God was unproudly dismayed,

For then—oh, then it was that He saw

   What a perfect jackass He’d made!

Rather, He didn’t so much see the jackass as hear

   That, despite it was beastly dumb,

With every heehaw it was ever more clear

   What a truly smart ass he’d become!

Then up spake the politician at once

   As soon as he did hear it,

For it seemed to him that it had been months

   Since he’d heard such a kindred spirit.

And such a ruckus did then ensue,

   Of brayin’s as Hell commends,

As Heehaw! Heehaw! these jackasses two

   Became quite the best of friends.

 

God! He’d done His best to specialize

   —How then it smote His heart!

For, to save His soul, when He closed His eyes

   God could not tell them apart!

Lo, the one, though it seems impossibly crass,

   Was more stubborn than the other;

And each ass swore to his kindred ass

   That he was his true blood brother.

And they took to riding each other’s back

   By turns, and it came to pass,

That God found the butt of each rude wisecrack

   Sitting smugly upon his ass.

And as each sat upon his kindred ass,

   Taking hard abuse for his payin’s,

He took comfort in knowing, in taking this sass,

   He was sitting upon his brayin’s.

 

I’ve tried to upbraid them—oh, what’s the use?—

   For their asinine behavior,

Yet each heapeth naught but impious abuse

   Upon Me—their compassionate savior.

O welladay! fie! alack!—and alas!

   O mercy!—what have I begun?

Though I’ve wrought each beast a most singular ass,

   I might just as well wrought them as one!

—And so I shall come Judgment Day

   When each ass its tale doth tell;

And if toodamned smart, shall earn its stay

   —Yea, forever rot—in Hell

 

O what am I saying—am I not the God

   Of forgiveness, mercy, compassion?

Did I not create them—however flawed—

   And did I not their temperaments  fashion?

Yea, a jackass with four legs, a jackass with two

   —O what in the world was I thinking?

I am God, it is true, but who wouldn’t construe

   I am Bacchus—the God of drinking?

Yea, verily, am I sorely chagrined

   For these beasts are beyond any chiding;

But the least I can do (since they’re both thin-skinned)

   Is to give them a damned good hiding!

Yea, I’ve made the jackass in my imagery

   —And I’ve no one but Me to chide;

And since I have no one to pray to but Me

   —God, damn my creationist hide!